some
days
it’s all on the tip of my heart
the answer that is
not the answers
the things i’ve been told by everyone else to be true
but the answer that is me
set free
with complete understanding of me
and
not this frustration of not fitting in
of not believing their answers
because their answers are not what i’m looking for
i’m looking for me
set free
with complete understanding of me
or at least the reasons why i can’t
find me
then some days i almost know
but it’s like a fish wiggling
in your hand
until it slips free
and disappears into the water
and it’s just gone
and i can’t tell anyone
how can you tell someone about
something you can’t find
something you can’t define
something so lost
that you wouldn’t even know
where to look
where to start
or even what you are looking for
if i knew
believe me i would do
it’s better than an empty shell
that doesn’t know how to act
because it doesn’t know how it wants to act
so it just reacts
a well trained pavlov’s dog
stimulus and response
till you’re only self-identity is
wanting to please
cause you don’t know what you want
so you don’t want to argue over anything
not until you’re really sure it’s what
you feel
and who you are
till then i read your rhetoric and
rightfully respond
cause i don’t have a stance
just survival of a present circumstance
cause i don’t know who i am
and my motions are just the motions
which are motivated by the need of the day
not an expression of self
it’s all so purposeless when it’s not
an expression of self
and alcohol really deadens the pain
of not knowing
of not knowing what to know
how to know
who is me
how to be me in everything
to where if you offend me
i express my offense with self-righteous anger
instead of knowing inside that i’m
just not sure
so don’t say a word
have another drink
where is the guide
where is the prophet
where is the angel of God
or at least a pointer dog to point me
in the right direction
just a hint?
sometimes i feel so alone
intellectually i understand the bible
but i have no faith
cause i never see anything change
and i can no longer believe without evidence
i’m tired of drifting
in an empty boat
on an open sea
beneath an endless sky
aimlessly drifting
yes i know what paddles are for
but every time i’ve ever paddled
i went in the wrong direction
and often for the wrong reasons
oh i thought the compass pointed to me
but i was just following someone else’s heading
their answers to contentment
peace
and happiness
but i am not looking for these
i am looking for me
i do love coffee
but it’s pretty sad
that the only thing that gets
me out of bed in the morning
is my love of coffee
once it kicks in i’m back to reacting
to stimuli
and wanting to shut off the stimuli
with a beer
when all i want
when all i really need
is a firm handle on me
a handle so firm
that there is nothing else i need
that’s why i am so susceptible to
religions
cause they all point the finger
at our own inability
our need to be what we are presently not
and i identify with that truth
but that is the only assured
conviction i share with them
after that the answers are not
as i have said
the answer that i am looking for
at least for the moment i recognize my
need
i recognize my search
but i need more than recognition
i need more than your approval
i need more than your answers
because i will not find me in either
and me is what i need to find
***
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