sewage treatment plants are so civilized

in the world of my apartment

the landing before ascension

an elderly woman

a neighbor

stands with too many bags

 

i offer to help

she is so grateful

i start to feel ashamed

 

the bags go on the counter

in her kitchen

 

she wants to make me tea

i hate tea

but i sit down at her kitchen table

and wait

 

i look around her place

collectables

probably the home shopping network

 

and i am overwhelmed by

the meaninglessness and loneliness

of existence

 

i ask if i can use her bathroom

close the door

down my flask in one tilt

flush the toilet as camouflage

 

return to loneliness that is even

grateful for my company

 

i sip tea

i listen

i awkwardly answer questions

 

i realize all those works of philosophy

have not made me wise

nor has all the sacred writings of all

the world religions

the history books

the science journals

i have nothing to offer

but company and an ear

to this old lonely woman down the hall

 

the meaning of it all?

 

couldn’t tell you

 

but i feel that it is right

to sit here

and keep her company

ease

by just my presence

 

she eventually tires

and excuses herself for sleep

encouraging me to come visit

again

 

i exit

ready to flee to the streets

and the novocain

lingering in liquor stores

 

but i open my apartment door

fall on my bed

and sob

a complete loss of control

 

loneliness and suffering

is the landscape of l.a.

i spout words of decay

as a way

to deflect

the ill effect

 

now i’m just sitting on my balcony floor

amid all the beer cans i have poured

into me in my effort to flee

but all i’ve done is taken a knee

 

nothing has dissipated

or evaporated

at times like these i believe

there is a part of us

not constrained by the laws of physics

a soul?

something that cannot be consoled

a need

that nothing on earth can feed

 

a god shaped hole in all of us?

i don’t know

but acts of kindness

acts of charity

bring clarity

 

that maybe

just maybe…

 

***