Thursday, August 21, 2014

abesse


          (morrison, morrison what did you die for?
          morrison says, “nothing at all”)

 

i had a dream an endless dream

born in the darkest night

and in this dream at two extremes

i lost my wings midflight

 

the impact found against the ground

was all the rage and all around…

 

oh my god this poem sucks

who do i think i am? Poe?

 

i have been quiet lately

not drinking

lifting a lot of weights

 

can’t sleep

can’t eat

can’t listen to music

 

she’s gone

 

the why will wilt with the weeping willow

 

i found the goodbye note

attached to the dissolution of marriage

 

she took her stuff

the car

asked for nothing more

 

i signed the papers

dropped them in the mail

 

it hurts

 

and i am embracing the realm

of nothing matters

like i never have before

 

i always knew you could feel a presence

but i never knew you could

feel a presence missing

 

what use to be a home

is now four walls

i hate this studio apartment

 

and even though i am dead inside

nothing deadens the pain

 

i had titled this second act

“sunrise on the dark streets of decay”

now i need a new title

or this is the start

of the third and final act

 

i would flip to the final page

to see how it ends

but the final page has not been written

because i don’t know what will be

 

only that i have no hope

because i have no faith

and wince when someone says,

“it’s a nice day outside”

 

no it’s not

it just is

 

there is no overarching definition

true from one end of the cosmos to the other

of what a nice day outside is

just what we perceive

 

to some the seattle rain is a nice day

to others the montana snow

to others this l. a. heat

 

goodbye jenny

i will perceive you no more

tonight i will enter the earth’s core

have the heat incinerate my mind

until it is nothing but scattered atoms

total devastation

not even a memory

just a landscape that was slashed and burned

 

in other words

i’m heading out to a bar

somewhere in this city

where the neighborhoods, businesses

and intersections

are all interconnected by

the dark streets of decay

 

***

 

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