i was still laughing at noah right before i drowned

(when i consider your heavens,

the work of your fingers,

the moon and the stars,

which you have ordained;

what is man that you take thought of him,

and the son of man that you care for him?

-eight psalms in)

 

spent a couple days coming down

got some percocet

kept taking them

 

was walking late night l.a.

reciting

“let me tell you about heartache

and the loss of god

wondering, wondering in hopeless night”

 

now i’m just having beer

though my head’s not quite clear

sitting here

lunch time

some business district bar

watching the satire of suits

hurrying to their moment of relief

 

that song,

“all you zombies”

running through my head

 

and once again my thoughts turn to god

 

long time ago

shortly after my father abandoned me

i asked god if he would be my father

replace the one who viewed me as

something that just wasn’t worth his time

 

is that why

the way i live hasn’t killed me yet?

 

the diagnosis i wait for

some kind of organ failure

and i would just shake

the doctor’s hand and say,

“god is just”

 

hasn’t happened yet?

 

because god is real?

 

and like any parent

(well any parent

except mine)

 

god can’t help but love the child

who called him “daddy”

from that empty room

so many years ago

 

i know what it is to be alone

i know what it is to be unloved

i know what it is to be abandoned

 

but i can’t comprehend a love

that just won’t give up on me

 

(the bartender notices the tears

streaming down my face

and pours me another beer)

 

i don’t have the strength to be angry anymore

i now understand why atlas shrugged

 

an abandoned and abused child

grows into an adult

who cannot believe

that there is a benevolent being

dispensing fairness and justice

 

when all the world was a witness to innocence lost

and all you hear is the further cost

you must pay

endure and god will be swayed

 

but religion is not reliable

the world and the church walk hand in hand

and i am thinking that my humanity

and my weakness

is not greater than the weakness of god

because we can’t imagine him weak

so a tyrant we seek

not a father whose heart breaks

for the child

wayward and wild

 

unable to comprehend the kind of love

that Jesus described  

prodigal son

but when his father saw him

he ran to him and took him in his arms

 

***