sewage treatment plants are so civilized

in the world of my apartment

the landing before ascension

an elderly woman

a neighbor

stands with too many bags

 

i offer to help

she is so grateful

i start to feel ashamed

 

the bags go on the counter

in her kitchen

 

she wants to make me tea

i hate tea

but i sit down at her kitchen table

and wait

 

i look around her place

collectables

probably the home shopping network

 

and i am overwhelmed by

the meaninglessness and loneliness

of existence

 

i ask if i can use her bathroom

close the door

down my flask in one tilt

flush the toilet as camouflage

 

return to loneliness that is even

grateful for my company

 

i sip tea

i listen

i awkwardly answer questions

 

i realize all those works of philosophy

have not made me wise

nor has all the sacred writings of all

the world religions

the history books

the science journals

i have nothing to offer

but company and an ear

to this old lonely woman down the hall

 

the meaning of it all?

 

couldn’t tell you

 

but i feel that it is right

to sit here

and keep her company

ease

by just my presence

 

she eventually tires

and excuses herself for sleep

encouraging me to come visit

again

 

i exit

ready to flee to the streets

and the novocain

lingering in liquor stores

 

but i open my apartment door

fall on my bed

and sob

a complete loss of control

 

loneliness and suffering

is the landscape of l.a.

i spout words of decay

as a way

to deflect

the ill effect

 

now i’m just sitting on my balcony floor

amid all the beer cans i have poured

into me in my effort to flee

but all i’ve done is taken a knee

 

nothing has dissipated

or evaporated

at times like these i believe

there is a part of us

not constrained by the laws of physics

a soul?

something that cannot be consoled

a need

that nothing on earth can feed

 

a god shaped hole in all of us?

i don’t know

but acts of kindness

acts of charity

bring clarity

 

that maybe

just maybe…

 

***

all the lessons learned of love

i was at a bar

(shocker i know)

 

a woman came up to me

pressed her breasts against my arm

her alcohol laden breath

close to my face as she said,

“the only 12 inches i have known

is an extended play record

can you help a girl out?”

 

wtf?!

 

i shook my head

turned my face forward

trying to act indifferent

hoping she didn’t notice

how her breasts rubbing against me

was causing me to sweat

 

“whatever” she said

with icy disdain

staggered away

i had paid for the beer beforehand

drained it

got out of there

 

here i am

walking again

 

away from people

i feel as if i am in control

 

that’s probably why i lift weights

 

when i feel powerless

it makes me feel like i did

when i was a kid

adults beating you

screaming at you

and worse

 

it is not because

i don’t own a bower

that i have no flowers

i was deflowered long ago

filled with the kind of seed

that doesn’t grow

 

there are so many things

that can make one feel powerless

i’m an adult who is a mess

 

getting out of bed is just a guess

and you know at best

you are an unwelcomed guest

when life layers itself in lingerie

 

and you flinch even when the touch is tender

 

you never act

just react

 

and yeah

this is why you have beer for breakfast

 

and question the formulas for happiness

 

i was their punching bag

their cum dump

i was what they demanded

 

it was what i learned of love

and all i felt was failure

so measure me against what must be

 

i will never be free

and when i feel powerless

i will swing my fists

 

dream i am someone you could actually love

 

run and hide

deep inside

avoid the collide

of human interaction

 

where i was trained

that i was the reason

for their inconvenience

it was my fault

i failed

to be

to please

 

will never amount to anything

 

“you goddamn worthless fucking piece of shit!”

 

the sound of the hit, the hate and the habitation

still echoes in every corner of my mind

 

***

 

shadow boxing

smashed the bathroom mirror with my fist

the only mirror in my place

i guess i can kiss my security deposit goodbye

 

left the bathroom

saw my shadow on the wall

gave it the finger

 

blasting “watching me fall”

by the cure

waiting for a noise complaint

 

hit the weights hard

should have loaded up on water

but i’ve opened my first beer

 

the cat box is the room’s aroma

i scoop it

open the balcony door

the screen the only thing

that barricades against

all that which inhabits

the night

 

i break my cardinal rule

light a smoke in the apartment

my cat squints

takes another dump in the cat box

flicks its tail

and goes under the bed

 

i’m dancing

singing along with robert smith

“the world is neither fair nor unfair”

 

i grab a magic marker

write on my arm

“working on mysteries without any clues”

and on the other

“running on fumes”

 

then recite the entire composition

of “howl”

by allen ginsberg

 

open my second beer

realize it’s been over

twenty four hours since i ate

 

tacos on a plate (oh yeah)

as long as i don’t wait

until it’s too late

 

(o.k. john calm down)

 

shoe your feet

hit the street

another night without a shower

in this early hour

nine after nine

i’ll find plenty of places to dine

 

i feel the concrete

through worn out shoes

haven’t bought a pair

since last year

 

i really should get around to it

 

my cell phone is ringing

wtf?!

 

the number is 000-000-0000

i hit ignore

 

the beer has passed through my empty stomach

filled my bladder

i find an alley

watch my shadow wrestle with something

at the bottom of jacob’s ladder

give them both the finger

 

i take a wrong turn

a street tiled with the homeless

they hit me up for a cigarette

by the end of the line

my pack is empty

 

i can empty a packet of smokes

and i can empty my bladder

but why when i pour out words

is my mind never empty?

 

i come across a liquor store

buy a fresh pack of smokes

and a forty ouncer

 

stroll into the nearest alley

and start to smoke and drink

then remember i was suppose

to get something to eat

 

a helicopter hovers overhead

shines a light on the alley

my shadow appears

on the wall before me

i give it the finger

 

flex my arms

kiss my biceps

and wait for the world

to make its next move

 

*** (WHERE'S MY PULITZER?!) :)

cigarettes and late night liquor

i was at a bar

across from me in this rectangle

was an asian woman

more beautiful than any woman

i have ever seen

 

she was staring at me

when our eyes met

she smiled

 

i looked away

 

finished my beer

left money on the rectangle

and headed for a breath

of late night smog

 

lit a smoke

and started walking

stopped

thought

of her beauty

her smile

 

twisted the top off my flask

drained it

 

started walking again

 

i know it is foolish to believe

in fairness and justice

they are concepts

they do not exist

as there is no divine to dispense

 

but i still can’t help hope for happiness

but where is it to be found?

i was happy in her arms

but she left

 

should i move to atlanta, georgia

so i can stalk molly ringwald?

would that bring happiness?

 

i continue walking

start singing runaway train

by soul asylum

 

in the dark streets of decay

i wrote about the loss of the love

of a woman

but i think it was really about

the loss of faith in god

 

i use to sit on santa’s lap

tell him what i wanted

and there it would be

under the tree

 

where is that tree?

 

i thought i knew things

i don’t know shit

 

well i do know that i don’t know

what i want

 

or maybe i do

and what i want is what i do

walk

drink

write

alienate

 

i make no vows

that i will not make the same mistake

and not look for happiness

in her flesh

but tonight

when she smiled

i looked away

and took my place

on these dark streets of decay

 

***

 

abesse

          (morrison, morrison what did you die for?

          morrison says, “nothing at all”)

 

i had a dream an endless dream

born in the darkest night

and in this dream at two extremes

i lost my wings midflight

 

the impact found against the ground

was all the rage and all around…

 

oh my god this poem sucks

who do i think i am? Poe?

 

i have been quiet lately

not drinking

lifting a lot of weights

 

can’t sleep

can’t eat

can’t listen to music

 

she’s gone

 

the why will wilt with the weeping willow

 

i found the goodbye note

attached to the dissolution of marriage

 

she took her stuff

the car

asked for nothing more

 

i signed the papers

dropped them in the mail

 

it hurts

 

and i am embracing the realm

of nothing matters

like i never have before

 

i always knew you could feel a presence

but i never knew you could

feel a presence missing

 

what use to be a home

is now four walls

i hate this studio apartment

 

and even though i am dead inside

nothing deadens the pain

 

i had titled this second act

“sunrise on the dark streets of decay”

now i need a new title

or this is the start

of the third and final act

 

i would flip to the final page

to see how it ends

but the final page has not been written

because i don’t know what will be

 

only that i have no hope

because i have no faith

and wince when someone says,

“it’s a nice day outside”

 

no it’s not

it just is

 

there is no overarching definition

true from one end of the cosmos to the other

of what a nice day outside is

just what we perceive

 

to some the seattle rain is a nice day

to others the montana snow

to others this l. a. heat

 

goodbye jenny

i will perceive you no more

tonight i will enter the earth’s core

have the heat incinerate my mind

until it is nothing but scattered atoms

total devastation

not even a memory

just a landscape that was slashed and burned

 

in other words

i’m heading out to a bar

somewhere in this city

where the neighborhoods, businesses

and intersections

are all interconnected by

the dark streets of decay

 

***