the dichotomy and duality of the divisiveness…

     oh who am i kidding?

 

i end every night thinking,

“tomorrow night i will not drink”

 

i wake every evening thinking,

“tonight i will not drink”

 

i drink coffee

work out

eat a protein bar

take a shower

drink water

 

then

 

i have a drink

 

i don’t even rationalize it

 

i just do

 

and then i walk around these streets

inhabit the bars

 

anonymity is easy

when you live in l. a.

 

and while i am drinking

i think that this is my last drink

and i will drink no more

forever

 

and when someone tells me i shouldn’t drink

i bring out everything but the kitchen sink

 

to tell them that their reasons aren’t reasons

because…

well that is the whole point of nihilism

 

there is no because

 

and i am not a nihilist to justify my drinking

and i do not drink because i am a nihilist

 

and the waiting and expectation

on a sign from god

that my thoughts are fraud

and existence is real

 

are no longer even fleeting moments  

no flicker

 

just me

without bumper stickers

and not just because i don’t own a car

 

but because i have no cause

 

oh i can agree

converse

or even debate

 

be someone whose opinions

you love or hate

 

because i have researched

thought through

and contemplated every side

 

billions have lived

billions will die

and none of it

is part of some great design

 

or the artwork of an intelligent designer

 

especially you

and all that you do

 

so when i drink

or when i think

 

it is just a movement

and nothing more

 

no one is keeping score

or offering the possibility of aid

giving meaning to the motions

of your every day

because all is as they or he dictates

and if it is not as they desire

well there will be lots of fire

to punish you for all that you do

that is not what was expected

 

it is just me

concrete

the smell of exhaust

and some dwellings flickering late night t.v.

 

and a universe that we can explore

with different types of telescopes

that can’t explain the what for

just show what is

and when or how it may have all come about

 

they say a senseless death makes them

wonder what it is all about

but i say it is all senseless

when you stop expecting

your heart’s desire

to be the consuming fire

of a benevolent being

who transcends both time and space

and makes you their everything

 

so i need more than your “reasons”

to not drink and be like you

 

and i stopped waiting long ago

for god’s love to be so real

that he would show me that he is true

and wants me to believe

beyond words that make people become

supreme court justices

 

who pour over every jot and tittle

to make sure we have the correct interpretation

and require the affirmation of our understanding

as the way to appease god

 

who by the way

created all and everything

that our telescopes haven’t even seen the whole expanse of

within six days

but somehow requires us to pay

with the correct alignment of words

 

we are not saved by works

a concept no one can understand

 

we can’t leave it all up to god

there must be something we must do

 

oh yes

you can prove

your worthiness

by believing what you are suppose to believe

 

thoughts save

 

and remove the burden of salvation from

an impotent god

 

who could have done nothing to stop

the rape of nanking

 

because instead of facing the obvious

that there is no all powerful being

who can stop the genocide

 

we give irrational reasons

why it is all our fault

and to question stupid answers

means that you have fallen out of favor

with god

 

of for fuck sake

where is this going?

 

truth is a lawn i gave up mowing

because the weeds made more sense

then the grass

 

find your reflection in the glass

and leave me to believe

 

that everything is what you need it to be

most of all your reflection

 

***