in a room without clocks

while weight lifting

i couldn’t stop thinking about

a moment in the tub

 

i was laying there trembling from the chills

literally bouncing the shaking was so bad

the hot water meant to warm me was filling slowly

and the cold was so constricting i could barely breathe

 

and i realized

i could die

 

but i felt no guilt

no regret

no last minute bargaining

crying, “NO! NOT YET!

 

i just lay there

waiting for what was coming to pass

to come to pass

 

looking back at that moment

i now know this is not just lip service

i am a nihilist

 

***