after midnight

i guess the doctor was right

i have hypoglycemia

spikes and lows in my blood sugar

 

that move me to different emotional extremes

i thought my rage was because

there is so much to be angry about

and my indifference

was when i remembered i’m a nihilist

and just don’t care

cause it just doesn’t matter

 

but

 

i was coming around a corner

when an onset of rage overtook me

and there was a man coming in my direction

just a few feet from me

 

and suddenly my fists were flying

 

a left hook

an uppercut

a jab

a right cross

 

with the speed

all those years on the speed bag gave me

and all the strength

lifting weights has given me

 

and he hit the ground

and i kept on walking

 

then

when i was a few miles away

i realize what i had done

and couldn’t understand why

 

yes i’m drunk

but i’ve been drunk before

(o.k. every night)

and never did this sort of thing

 

and i can tell it was

something as simple and as stupid  

as a spike in my blood sugar

 

time to take myself home

and google this disease

 

***

 

 

maybe

heading to the river for a few days

maybe escape this rain

 

sit on sand

stare

 

sit in bars

that sit by the water

and stare

 

maybe have more to say then i just stared

for days

at the void i find existence to be

 

sunshine

stars

water

natural beauty

 

i am not a dreamer

these will not be a balm for my bitter heart

but still i will go

 

and just maybe

a change will do me good

 

or maybe i will just come back

grab my jacket and my flask

head out to the sidewalk

light a cigarette

and start walking

 

expecting nothing more to come my way

except the dark streets of decay

 

or maybe…

 

***

 

to what purpose?

the doctor said my mood swings

my rage, my depression

are symptoms of hypoglycemia

 

the ups and down of my blood sugar

affecting my emotional state of health

a roller coaster ride

 

and that i should follow a prescribed diet

 

i walked out into the late afternoon sun

beginning it’s decent

 

and read the piece of paper he gave me

of all the dos and don’ts

 

no sugars, no high saturated fats

no alcohol, no caffeine

and so forth

 

and i thought:

“yes i would like to be happy

so i am reading this list

but i can’t help contemplate

as to what is it that this is suppose

to make me be?”

 

“a better producing machine

so that everyone benefits from my output?”

 

“so i have more energy?

so i have more stability?

so i have more clarity?”

 

i almost tossed the page in the trash

but i folded it and put it in my pocket

 

walked for a couple of miles

felt the early evening chill

hit my face in the form

of a gently breeze

as darkness draped over the city

 

“fuck it” i said

“i’m not saying i won’t

but i am saying

i won’t tonight”

 

i bought a couple of tacos

and ate them as i walked

 

found a bar that was my flavor

 

and awhile ago

i stopped counting the beers

 

***

 

printed on a paper plate meant for pizza

body of believers
but the head was given to christ
no thought required

the favorite religion
of oppressive governments
is any religion

that's why this country has freedom of religion
learn to obey to please
and you will be saved

be good subjects
and be subject
work hard
do
god will approve
and it will all pay off
in the sweet by and by

accept your suffering
and god will give you all that you have earned
by your steadfast obedience

our abuse will cleanse you
but to disagree with us
is to disagree with god

ernesto 'che' guevara was right

"in fact, if christ himself stood in my way, i, like nietzsche, would not hesitate to squish him like a worm."

your reasons would regulate my revolution
address my motions which may be constrained
by the laws of physics
but not by the lesson plans
you lay out in the schools

whether it is sunday or the weekday
you taught me the reason i should behave accordingly
but now i am free
not by truth
but by rejection of truth

and these streets so dark only neon can guide the way
tonight it was pizza
tomorrow it may be the same
because whichever sign i heed
it doesn't really matter

***

the tears of men

there’s another storm coming

rain to last for days

 

i found some merlot on sale

and bought a few bottles

 

i never drink wine

but it sounded like a good way

to wait out the rain

 

instead of being soaked

all night

with no one else in sight

 

stay in

with my cat i still haven’t named

watch the rain

hit the window pane

 

the only light in the apartment

will be the glow of my cigarette

 

i must admit i admire those who find purpose

as long as their purpose doesn’t need me

to make their truth real by my agreement

 

i may agree we need a revolution

overthrow corporate control

just don’t expect me to stick around

when things turn violent

 

and lately i’m thinking i need a trip away

see a new place in decay

las vegas maybe

or the river

somewhere out of this town

 

i did spend last night down

by the aqueduct

watching the rain drenched channels flow

 

i had a 12 pack and a cigarette pack

and i just sat there

a couple of times i added to the water level

as i relieved myself

 

i had passed a homeless man sleeping

under an overpass on my way to that spot

and on the way back

i placed the three beers i had left

and the nine empty cans

next to his sleeping body

 

before sliding back onto city streets

and into my place on a public bus

 

i exited about ten miles from my place

and started walking

 

while watching the water on its directed flow

i did not feel like siddhartha in hermann hesse’s book

when he sat by the river side

and found answers

 

it was just water

caused by the rain

flowing to the ocean

 

i have stood in the rain

i have stood where the aqueduct

reaches the beach

 

and i reached no conclusions

 

i wish there was inclusion

but the gods drink from water bottles

labeled, “the tears of men”

 

and it’s not even filtered

 

you see

there are always two sides

either corporate greed caused the ruin

or the have nots are not willing to work

 

either god doesn’t exist

or it has to be our fault

how can god be blamed

 

i am passing an ice cream truck

abandoned with a flat tire

i don’t know why i find this symbolic

but i do

 

what can i say

everything to me is just an example

of the inevitability of decay

 

no matter how precious the cargo

and how much it is meant to bring joy

 

*** 

the dichotomy and duality of the divisiveness…

     oh who am i kidding?

 

i end every night thinking,

“tomorrow night i will not drink”

 

i wake every evening thinking,

“tonight i will not drink”

 

i drink coffee

work out

eat a protein bar

take a shower

drink water

 

then

 

i have a drink

 

i don’t even rationalize it

 

i just do

 

and then i walk around these streets

inhabit the bars

 

anonymity is easy

when you live in l. a.

 

and while i am drinking

i think that this is my last drink

and i will drink no more

forever

 

and when someone tells me i shouldn’t drink

i bring out everything but the kitchen sink

 

to tell them that their reasons aren’t reasons

because…

well that is the whole point of nihilism

 

there is no because

 

and i am not a nihilist to justify my drinking

and i do not drink because i am a nihilist

 

and the waiting and expectation

on a sign from god

that my thoughts are fraud

and existence is real

 

are no longer even fleeting moments  

no flicker

 

just me

without bumper stickers

and not just because i don’t own a car

 

but because i have no cause

 

oh i can agree

converse

or even debate

 

be someone whose opinions

you love or hate

 

because i have researched

thought through

and contemplated every side

 

billions have lived

billions will die

and none of it

is part of some great design

 

or the artwork of an intelligent designer

 

especially you

and all that you do

 

so when i drink

or when i think

 

it is just a movement

and nothing more

 

no one is keeping score

or offering the possibility of aid

giving meaning to the motions

of your every day

because all is as they or he dictates

and if it is not as they desire

well there will be lots of fire

to punish you for all that you do

that is not what was expected

 

it is just me

concrete

the smell of exhaust

and some dwellings flickering late night t.v.

 

and a universe that we can explore

with different types of telescopes

that can’t explain the what for

just show what is

and when or how it may have all come about

 

they say a senseless death makes them

wonder what it is all about

but i say it is all senseless

when you stop expecting

your heart’s desire

to be the consuming fire

of a benevolent being

who transcends both time and space

and makes you their everything

 

so i need more than your “reasons”

to not drink and be like you

 

and i stopped waiting long ago

for god’s love to be so real

that he would show me that he is true

and wants me to believe

beyond words that make people become

supreme court justices

 

who pour over every jot and tittle

to make sure we have the correct interpretation

and require the affirmation of our understanding

as the way to appease god

 

who by the way

created all and everything

that our telescopes haven’t even seen the whole expanse of

within six days

but somehow requires us to pay

with the correct alignment of words

 

we are not saved by works

a concept no one can understand

 

we can’t leave it all up to god

there must be something we must do

 

oh yes

you can prove

your worthiness

by believing what you are suppose to believe

 

thoughts save

 

and remove the burden of salvation from

an impotent god

 

who could have done nothing to stop

the rape of nanking

 

because instead of facing the obvious

that there is no all powerful being

who can stop the genocide

 

we give irrational reasons

why it is all our fault

and to question stupid answers

means that you have fallen out of favor

with god

 

of for fuck sake

where is this going?

 

truth is a lawn i gave up mowing

because the weeds made more sense

then the grass

 

find your reflection in the glass

and leave me to believe

 

that everything is what you need it to be

most of all your reflection

 

***