written after watching the winter guest

watch me walk away into the mist of the night

the fog envelopes any evidence of me

her kiss was more than any idols, religions or gods

but there is nothing, nothing that gives this life meaning

 

no, i mean it, go fuck yourself

and all your narcissistic efforts to claim your brain is bigger than mine

we’re just searching for love you dumbass motherfucker

and i do not hear one iota of tender mercy in your words

 

one day i will make a movie

it will end with me walking away into a veil of fog

ever searching

i will not have found any moral, purpose or meaning

you’ll leave the theatre depressed that all we do is suffer

and then one day die

hoping death will bring something better than all that came before

but no promises

 

anyway, while it is today, walk away

from all that you feel you must get done

sit by the sea

the mist and the lea

and discover why your heart is breaking

 

yes you are allowed to break down

curl into a ball and weep

decide it is a time for a change

and rearrange the furniture of pain

 

that’s what i’m doing

and if you don’t like it

tough shit

go find another yard to play in then

 

have you ever thought my only problem is you

and all that you do

so get screwed

it’s my life and i will scream until my screams

echo through the tunnels of time

 

i am the winter guest

and i will protest

that i will only paint the front of the house

as a phase in my search for meaning

 

nothing reaches for me

and yet i reach

wanting my turning right or turning left

to be more than just one who meanders

and hopes for the best

 

yes i am the winter guest

in alan rickman’s movie

where the moral, theme and answer

is that there is no answer

only beauty

visible only to the artist’s eye

while everyone else just sees an idiot walking

into the perils of a landscape

made even more hazardous

by the encroaching mist that obscures

the pathway that is safe to travel

 

***