wait, what was the question again?

the rain in l. a. falls mainly on me

i forgot to eat again

though i did feed a stray cat that cried at my door

and yes i keep cans of cat food around

for just such a thing

 

now i’m drunk

and walking

and hungry

oh and wet

 

seeking shelter for a cigarette

they are hard to light in the pouring rain

meaningless and mundane

until you’re hungry

 

now my drunken ass wants more

then bar food

no peanuts, pretzels or onion rings

 

it’s funny how things can matter

when you’re hungry for food on a platter

on a friday night

 

quantum mechanics never prepared me for this

food at the top of my list

and friday night lines at every restaurant

 

but a slim jim just won’t do

meaning is funneled into food

until i am full

 

then we can get back on the skeet range

and yell, “pull!”

and blast all the existential questions

and physicists with their goldilocks’ equations

 

***

a.k.a.

winter’s archive

back on hollywood boulevard

big man walking

and knocking aside

anyone who is in his way

 

i step into the shadows of decay

and let him pass

watch his journey

and the bowling pins

that he knocks down

the curses, the frowns

 

and i think

about the billions of galaxies

that are filled with billions of suns

with a span of light years of dark energy

in-between each cluster

and think how much this moment doesn’t matter

 

but still i walk over to an elderly lady

that he knocked down

and help her to her feet

put the cane back in her hand

there is nothing here to understand

just the choices we make

 

quasars creating galaxies?

were these the hands of god?

am i the hand of god?

helping this elderly lady?

 

but i don’t like going down this road

the princess kissing every toad

if a universe so magnificent had a designer

then why wasn’t this big man squashed like a bug

by his quasar hand?

 

i just don’t understand

so after i listen to this woman complain

about this big man that caused her so much pain

i turn away with no words

no wisdom

light a cigarette

and take the top off my flask

in religion no questions may be asked

just a verdict of guilty or not

 

well, we know what my verdict is

my cell phone takes a picture

of winona ryder’s star

this is hollywood so i won’t have to look far

for a drinking establishment

otherwise known as a bar

 

***

 

in this kingdom

china town

walking around

but you already know that

by now

 

carcasses hanging in windows

jade green neon lights

 

i fade into the night’s long shade

 

signs i can’t read

i concede my ignorance

 

point at a beer

and drink it

it is strong

and i pass on having more

 

a scrawny looking dog

hurries past

lifts his leg and targets

the cold cement outside the bar

then moves along

 

god it’s just another night

another sidewalk

in empty space

photons move at the speed of light

but amid all these structures

commerce is the only movement

 

i think the molecules and atoms

are expediting the decay

so they can get out of here

and be on their way

move to the center of the galaxy

and be sucked into a black hole

anywhere but here

 

i look at the hanging headless carcasses

and order a bowl of rice

drown it in soy sauce

and just point at the picture of a beer

 

dial a cab company

and simply say,

“get me out of here”

 

i tell the driver i will give him a $50 tip

if he will drive me to the nearest beach

and not talk to me

 

standing on sand

in darkness

i strip and run into the water

come out and let the contents

of my flask warm my bones

 

put on my clothes

and listen to the noise of crashing tides

i am alone

i light a cigarette and say,

“i am home”

 

***

 

santa monica

i’m walking a pier

talk about decay

far above the ocean spray

i can still hear the waves

amid the shopping and walking

and endless talking

of this human parade

 

i was born somewhere in this town

decades ago
 

i stop in at rusty’s

and take my first drink slow

 

night invades

the ocean fades

but endless people still parade

a sea of faces above an ocean of tides

and i am here to coincide

 

when my corpse decays

and my molecules dissipate

i often wonder where they go

 

but tonight i’m taking my first drink slow

watching the people come and go

watch them bounce around like electrons

and find no meaning in their motion

 

but enough of these thoughts

time for a double shot

then walk around this pier

without getting caught

with my flask

smile at the vendors who ask

questions i never answer

 

but unanswerable questions

are the only kinds i ask

 

but tonight me and my flask

are going to soak in the sunless night

watch the turning left and turning right

and feel some sense of community

since i am here with this teeming mass

pleasure like pain will pass

but i try to hold it like broken glass

but cuts and blood are the sum of my efforts

 

so anyways i digress

this is an attempt at happiness

like all of my attempts

 

tip my flask

forget to ask

and stare out at the darkness

beyond the pier

hovering over what use to be an ocean

 

***

 

lyrically speaking

i use to write you poetry that wasn’t very good

but you would always shed a tear that i misunderstood

and so the days of youth are spent and wasted on the young

you no longer shed a tear and no more songs are sung

and sometimes when it’s late at night i hear you call my name

but when i look you’re fast asleep amid the soft mundane

 

and no one meant to be this way from candle light to lamps

distractions always take the stage when keeping off food stamps

and now we’ve come to know the comforts bought while not on sale

and the only thing we lack is passion that regales

cause routine slays the passion that can only dwell and thrive

in spontaneous compassion that struggles to stay alive

in the day to day routine that we just fall into

rivers run dry as time goes by as droughts landscape the view

 

***

the tao of the swan

i dance the tao of the swan

caught in a fisherman’s net

my heart creaks with the bed

as i offer a soft caress

you haven’t slept here in months

but still i reach for you

 

morning’s first light fills this silent room

like milk pouring into an empty bowl

i watch the warm illumination expel the dark

and am reminded to pray for your soul

 

i always knew you’d leave

impoverished poets may be good in bed

but they make lousy husbands

and like a frightened child

on her first merry-go-round you wept

till the vows you made you no longer kept

but he was a poet too

so under the carpet you were swept

 

and i am left to wake and search

the abandoned side of the bed

and as consciousness violates

my sleepy head

i stare at that empty space

and whisper, “i miss you”

 

***

the dark streets of decay 8

walking around midtown

no more rain coming down

nothing to obscure the neon lights

defining the night

 

“hey baby

for a little cash i could make your night

be a garden of delights”

 

i look at her until she starts to fidget

          in annoyance

then ask,

“how much too just walk around

with me

holding hands

then at the end of the night at your door

i kiss you on the cheek?”

 

she doesn’t laugh or hesitate

just says,

“fuck it,

i don’t know

sometimes a girl just needs to hold hands”

 

she takes my hand and we start walking

i ask her her name and for the first time in months

          she doesn’t lie

i talk about molecules and the meaning of life

and we walk

 

and i don’t care if the script is called

“the dry hump king”

she is holding my hand

and she is listening

 

when a planet is round

you can only walk in circles

and we find her front door

above the iron bars of a convenience store

 

i kiss her cheek and wait for her to name

          a price

she simply kisses mine and says goodnight

 

i’ve been up all night without a drink

we shared my cigarettes

until we both began to stink

 

i find some eggs and toast and flesh

the dawn is violating the night’s last breath

 

my bed is somewhere in this god forsaken town

 

we held hands while we walked around

 

***

the discarded rose

i never understood the name they gave to jezebel

for she is nothing like the bible’s reigning queen of hell

her wanton arms of loneliness sought refuge in my own

her need gave her a tenderness beyond what i have known

 

and even though we were together only for one night

i want to ride upon a steed and whisk her dreams of flight

away onto a continent where no one knows her name

where love can blossom without all the baggage of her fame

 

and why no man’s proposed to her i’ll never understand

the tenderness within her heart shows through her gentle hands

for they just took advantage of her haunting loneliness

and promised her companionship to woo away her kiss

 

yet though my lips emblazoned hers to know her perfect flesh

it is the beauty of her heart that took away my breath

tonight i plan to write the words across the evening sky

that for the hand of jezebel i would lay down and die

 

and all the men who’ll think i have what they all had before

will never truly know her tenderness that i adore

and i will build a home with her filled with that tenderness

where love won’t be a thing that’s known only when you kiss

solace

i know that in the morning when the day begins anew

i’ll flourish in the sunshine as i drink the morning dew

but until then my fragile friend let’s finish out the night

like a rose in sweet repose that’s seeking a respite

from the coffin of the darkness that lays the world to rest

where those who must lay down alone feel like unwanted guest

 

the life we face without embrace we seek to nullify

to sleep with you within my arms is like a lullaby

and in the solace of your kiss the shadows dance away

and for a night my loneliness is not to be obeyed

an evening rose not forced to close against the night’s long chill

let’s drink the dew upon the lip until we get our fill

                            

***

episode 203

not much is cooking

in desert lands

ufo crashes

and gives us a hand

 

developing microchips

but hush don’t you tell

the things we discovered

when aliens fell

 

government cover-ups

gee, i wonder why

coin’s always the reason

that everyone lies

 

corporations get credit

and millions to boot

the lie becomes history

like gospel truth

 

their agents play loonies

who say they have seen

aliens with catheters

hanging from trees

 

so public can dismiss

and experts debunk

when a ufo crashes

cause its driver was drunk

 

***

the tapestry and the spinning loom

at night i dream your kiss is near the lips upon my face

as candles dance with broken flames around our soft embrace

and though desire burns in me like lava at its core

it’s held at bay to gently sway by showing i adore

the beauty of your silken face with kiss and fingertips

mixed slowly with sweet compliments like honey on my lips

and as the flames defy the mist that swirls out on the lawn

i whisper you’re God’s inspiration as he paints each dawn

until my hands are welcomed to continue their caress

across the perfect garden planted on your flower dress

my kisses descend to your neck to do away with words

enticing you to yield to what you would have thought absurd

if i had let my lust be known at the very first

but now you melt into a stream to slowly quench my thirst

for the seduction never stops and never will assume

the coverlet will be complete without the spinning loom

 

***

the classical dynamics of particle motion

hollywood boulevard

stepping on stars

so many people

so many lights

 

i can hardly see a single star

in the late night sky

 

but it doesn’t matter

so many lights in the sky are an illusion

they died long ago

 

but so have most of these names

on hollywood boulevard

and those who haven’t

i imagine are also an illusion

 

but as always i digress

our exterior is just our best guess

and meaning is not found in hollywood

 

or in the late night sky

or in all these people passing me by

i’d rather walk these dark streets of decay

then let mr. hubbard have any sway

 

i stop in one of the many pizza places

and have a slice

go back on the boulevard

and smell the joints walking by

and pull a bottle from my jacket pocket and drink

 

no one notices, no one cares

this is the universe i want to share

utter chaos is beauty

mass populace makes me not matter

finally everyone gets it

 

existential physicists cannot live in a small town

with their restrictions and their frowns

“we can’t because of this, that or the other thing”

en masse there is no reasoning

just ignorance of selfish obliviousness

indifference to atoms, photons, electrons and nucleus

 

 

just let me be selfish, get out of my way

nothing else matters not even decay

who cares if dirac learned how to speak

i’m surrounded by tourist and all kinds of freaks

 

the universe breeds only things that will die

tonight i’m not asking one question why

my actions mean nothing to no one but me

and you know what? i’m finally free

 

***