sober

woke up 4 p.m.

had some coffee

i was gonna work out

went back to bed

 

woke up 7 p.m.

had some coffee

a couple of chili dogs

deleted all my contact

information for her

went back to bed

 

woke up 12:45 a.m.

poured some coffee

and wrote

“it was a long time ago

i killed fifteen animals

ten of them slow”

 

wasn’t sure where

that came from

but then remembered

when i was a little boy

playing in the yard

there was an ant hill

black ants

and i was pretending

i was their king

 

i found an injured

grasshopper

and placed it

in the midst of the ants

feeding my subjects

 

they swarmed

i watched

and the grasshopper

stared at me

with the saddest eyes

questioning, “why?”

 

my earliest memory

of extreme guilt

 

cruelty matters

kindness matters

the absence of one

and the enactment

of the other

is its own reward

 

i’m tired

sobriety is a fire

burning down my mind

 

i’m not trying to find

anything

but last night

i came across a review

of my novel

 

it was favorable

it blew me away

writing is the only

thing i enjoy

and this lifestyle

i deploy

well there is inability

in inebriation

 

i knew then i didn’t

want to drink anymore

 

don’t know yet

the rate of my success

but i’ve already been thinking

of a new story to write

 

though at this moment

i’m sipping ice water

still waiting for the

calibration of coffee

so i can get moving

wondering if i should

go back to bed

 

sleep through 3 a.m.

for the first time

in a long time

can’t say how long

i’ve been really drunk

and there is a lot

i don’t remember

and i’m not sure

tonight is the night

to read through

these past few months’

entries on my blog

 

but i think i wrote about

being a frog

lily pads and all

waiting for a kiss

from a princess

to make me 10 feet tall

and a king

 

i know there was kissing

it must have been the princess

that was missing

but if i were drunk right now

i’m sure i’d write

all fairytales are lies

so why even try

 

but tonight

i remember

grasshoppers and guilt

and how the absence of cruelty

and the enactment of kindness

matters

and we all want to matter

so enough of this chatter

 

i’m going to write a new novel

it won’t encompass the universe

the galaxy or the world

just a boy and a girl

and the language of love

protons won’t swirl

around the nucleus

but he will be willing to die

and even live for her kiss

 

***