Saturday, May 3, 2014

shoebox desolation


forgotten photographs found

tears actually hit the ground

 

i am not wasting another moment

with the thoughts that accompany

your image

 

i hit the street

and hit the first bar i see

 

drink to be free

but the photograph of you

is all i see

 

the jukebox actually has

The Julie Ruin song

“run fast”

 

i pump in the quarters

and press B17 again and again

 

if you want to give me shit

over replaying this selection

i’m ready to dance

 

i almost leave

so i can go home

and look at your picture

again

 

trace every curve

give in

 

to the closest memory

i have of love

even if …

 

never mind

i wasn’t planning on finding

that shoebox

 

but i did

now i wish i was a kid

with someone to teach me

to never lift the lid

on memories

 

but goddamn

you were so beautiful

 

and now you’re just gone

and i have to assure

the bartender that i do not

own a car

so i won’t be driving

 

i just have an apartment key

and walking shoes

another irish car bomb please

 

and no more questions asked

and i understand that i am

a published writer

with memories of a lifetime lived

 

but i cannot claim relevance

 

not because i’m pretending

to be a nihilist

to deaden the pain

 

only love can make me matter

because i would then matter to someone

 

but right now

there are no arms around me

breasts pressed against me

as part of the embrace

memories only a male mind

will trace

and never erase

 

someone just said something

about my song choice

i track the voice

and see it is a muscled male

i fly off my bar stool

 

i’m the exorcist

and he’s the ghoul

and he won’t be troubling

my soul anymore

although now i am on the floor

 

damn

this place has six bouncers

and i’m suddenly

out on the sidewalk

 

oh well

it is only with me that i talk

i offer myself a smoke

and start to walk

 

BITCH

 

***

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