I Will Sin No More

         I have been guilty of a grievous error. I have dehumanized the individual by affixing a label on their soul. With an apt description I do not have to view them as an equal and can deprive them of their rights. Through these labels I have freed myself from all concern for this individual and if the description I give them puts them in the category of enemy then I do not have to give ear to their words. I have not considered if they were hungry, I did not consider if they were thirsty, I did not consider if they were sick, I did not consider if they were in prison. I only considered if they were right or wrong, or more accurately if they agreed with me.

 

          No more.

 

          I will no longer use words like quasi-fascist, bigot, racist, prejudice, homophobic, right-wing extremist, conservative, oppressive, totalitarian, republican, against a woman’s right to choose, or anti-immigration to disrespect and dismiss a fellow human being. I will esteem others as better than myself, wiser, as I serve at their tables and gird myself to wash their feet. Each man will be a brother, each woman a sister, each person a friend; each a human regardless of race, creed, religion, country of origin, sexual orientation, gender or politics. They will be viewed as an individual with hopes, dreams, concerns and a desire to love and be loved; worthy of affection with thoughts and needs that are as legitimate as any other person. – Laws should keep a person from infringing upon or denying another person’s civil liberties not enacted and enforced to infringe upon and deny a person their civil liberties.

           ***

and i thought my jokes were bad

jenny’s sister passed

said she was going to stay for the funeral

 

i decided to get out of l. a.

rented a car

booked a room

at the sea and sun motel

and drove three hours

to the salton sea

 

i had never been

didn’t know anything about

in other words

i had no idea

 

there were a lot of structures

abandoned

defining decay

and i wondered if a bomb

had hit while i was in route

 

the motel looked like paradise

as it was intact

i checked in

and confessed my ignorance

the motel clerk

was more than happy

to give me a short history

 

with a better handle

i put my bag

and beer cooler in the room

and immediately drove

where i could

 

it was hot

but i kept getting out

and walking around the desolation

 

as the sun began to set

i sat down

 

i wasn’t sure this was doing anything for me

it’s not that i wasn’t drawn to it

well, except for the smell,

but i don’t need evidence

of the fundamentals of physics

i already focus on death and decay

and have said all i need to say

about the inevitability of both

 

on the shoreline

i was wishing i had a picture of jenny

 

i drove back to the motel

pulled the subway sandwich

from the cooler i had bought

while in route

ate

and then just drank

until i passed out

 

next morning i checked out

without even a shower

and drove back to the car rental

i left the empty styrofoam cooler

at the motel

so i just hoisted my bag onto my back

and walked for the nearest bus stop

to take me home

 

***

relative meaninglessness

jenny went to visit her sister

who has had a two year battle

with cancer

and it is time to say goodbye

 

she said she needed to go by herself

and be strong for her sister

but when she came back

she would need me to be strong for her

 

it’s midnight

it’s only been a week since i meet jenny

so it wasn’t difficult

to find my footing on the streets

 

i can feel the heat below

the warmth absorbed during the day

still emanates during the night

 

i sat silent at a bar

shrugged when the bartender

asked where i had been

 

drank my fill

and now i’m wandering

i don’t feel lost as before

dead end job at a convenience store

 

but truth is love is not a philosophy

it is a feeling

and i still haven’t changed my expectation

that there is nothing in store for you and me

just this moment

 

molecules don’t feel emotion

the universe doesn’t scream, “why?!”

when a bus careens out of control

and kills everyone in its crash

and they were just on their way

for a day at the beach

 

the truth is i don’t understand anything

the cosmos are so expansive

that all this motion and commotion

that is so relevant to us

finds no meaning

no explanation for why

we do what we do

when one tries to find our place

in the vastness of space

 

and we are not even as significant

as a grain of sand

being  washed ashore

on a deserted island

 

so tonight i will roam

not plan for tomorrow

drink too much

and if i am allowed to borrow

one more day

then in jenny’s arms i will lay

when she returns

 

and tells me of all her

trials and tribulations

while i stroke her long black hair

 

***  (jenny, jenny who can i turn to?)

 

 

 

tides in need of a shore

i stack all her wolfsheim records on her turntable

we are waiting for the cable guy to come

and hook up her t.v.

while she looks through my laptop at which car

she wants us to buy

 

smoking on the balcony

i wonder if peter heppner’s voice

would have ever been so soulful

if he had known the joy of knowing jenny

 

she’s increasing my vocabulary

and moving me in the direction

of writing another novel

 

i told her i need a new day at the beach

with her hand in mine

to take my writing in a new direction

 

“after the cable guy we’ll call a cab

and stay for as long as you need”

 

in all my midnight wanderings

i never considered how dependant

i have been on others to make

things in my life happen

 

(the taco vendor

the bartender

the liquor clerk

the bus driver

i wasn’t the solitary figure

i imagined myself to be

independent of everything)

 

even though i knew i was dependant

on a woman to bring happiness

into my life

 

ah, the cable guy is here

 

***

sunrise on the dark streets of decay

neither of us owns a car

but i rented a u-haul

kept walking up and down stairs

taking things from her apartment

that would soon end up in mine

 

as i picked things up

she kept squeezing my biceps

i was getting annoyed

but she wasn’t

 

and i found myself on top of her

on top of her kitchen table

 

she had some heated discussion

with some japanese man

i think it was her landlord

 

i don’t know what was said

as it was all said in japanese

but i could tell he wasn’t happy

 

she left a lot behind

said it came with the place

i was just happy

we could do it all in one trip

 

as she did one last check

i stood by the truck smoking

noticing how the sunlight

saturated all the cracks

 

haven’t spent a lot of time lately

in the daylight world of experience

 

the sunshine felt good

almost joyful

and the streets slower in decay

 

then jenny came into view

and the months since november

began to just fade away

 

***

bouquets are flowers we kill for their beauty

i sour at this granola cereal and soy milk

but it’s all she had in her place

i think she’s going to comment

on the look on my face

but says,

 

“the way you talked to me

when i offered to compensate you for another drink

and your poems

‘oh gawd, another uppity woman one and two’

how does a man become a feminist?”

 

“i’m not a feminist. i’m a conglomeration of words.

i don’t know why, but women to me are not whores

but goddesses to be worshipped and adored”

 

she blinks

takes my half eaten cereal to the sink

turns and whispers,

“how did i get so lucky?”

 

i rise and bring an embrace

our bodies pressed

she feels my arousal

grabs me by the ear

and steers me to the bed

 

*

 

she leaves for work

i leave to go check on my cat

she knows i’ll be back

 

but after a shower

a slice of leftover pizza

a beer while i pet my cat

and uploading to my blog

 

i go out on the balcony

for a smoke

halfway through

she is on my sidewalk

looking up at me

 

“can i come up?”

 

i nod

 

she disappears

i know i verbally told her

my address

she must have

an incredible memory

 

i wait at my door

watching her walk the hallway

she looks as if she is trying

to stay composed

 

i close the door behind us

and she sits on the couch

while saying,

“drink?”

 

i go to the kitchen to make her one

 

i place it in her hand while asking,

“was work slow?”

 

“yes, they were asking for a volunteer

to go home early

i said i’d go

i had been groped twice tonight

and just didn’t want to be there”

 

my hand rubs my mouth

something i do

when i don’t know what to say

she downs her drink

and hands it to me

i go to make another

 

sit by her while she sips

then she puts the glass down

curls into my arms

and starts to cry

 

i learned long ago to try and not

fix everything all at once

so i just hold her

 

it may not even have

been the hands tonight

but a life time of hands

she is reacting too

 

objectified

not valued

for the person that she is

 

my cat gets in on the act

curls between us

jenny strokes her fur

 

“let’s go to hollywood”

i say

 

jenny lifts her head

says, “that's random”

 

“that’s how i roll” i tell her

 

she rolls her eyes

shrugs

says,

“let me wash my face”

 

and to the bus stop we go

 

*

ah

avenue of the stars

jenny says i’m acting

like a kid in a candy shop

but she knows from my blog

how much i love this place

 

instead of roam

we rush as i take her everywhere

there is to go among

all this neon

 

i suddenly burst out laughing

amid all that is happening around us

 

“i wish life could always be like this”

she says

 

caught up in the moment i declare

“then move in with me”

 

shock arrests her face

she is silent

her expression unreadable

and i begin to think

i’ve just made a huge mistake

 

then she suddenly

quietly

says,

“o.k.”

 

i return to my former feelings of elation

though now it is not hollywood

but her

the boulevard fades from existence

as i take her in an embrace

and just hold her

for a really long time

 

***

surrounded by sirens and sickness

i’m such an extreme loner

i prefer to take care of my own boner

but i wake to the feel of her hand

my eyes find hers and she teases,

“hey, i found it like this”

 

i move closer for a kiss

and it’s an hour before

our first cup of coffee

 

it’s four o’clock

hours before dark

she is out of the shower

dressed with her hair pulled back

 

i offer to make her a drink

“really?” is all she says

“i just thought…” i start then stop

 

“yeah, i notice you think a lot”

 

she finds where i scribbled on stationary

and reads aloud,

 

“epitaph of a fool

a president’s wet dream

sacrificed for the team

college, career, carpool”

 

“o.k. jim morrison.” she smirks

 

“shut up”

 

she takes my hand

leads the way

we pass several cafes

where we could have eaten

 

end up at a bar

where we order food and drink

then leaves me alone to think

as she logs onto the bar’s

public laptop

and starts reading my blog

 

after a while she takes a pause,

“an existential physicist?”

 

“it doesn’t exist” i tell her

“but then again neither do i”

 

she rolls her eyes

and goes back to reading

 

leaving me exposed and bleeding

 

finally finished she asks,

“when do you write these?”

 

“usually while it is happening”

 

“are you writing right now?”

she asks with a laugh

 

“yes, it’s all in my head

by the time i blog

they are memories”

 

“mmmm” she contemplates

then says,

“pay the tab

i will help you with the ending”

 

she takes me to the back alley

undoes my pants

turns

lifts her skirt

leans

placing her hands on brick

 

it’s been awhile since one of my blog entries

had a happy ending

 

***