late night liberty

after some coffee

and a boiled egg

i lifted weights

putting more weight

on than usual

 

afterward i crawled

back into bed

and the cat

joined me

we slept

 

i dreamt i was

killing zombies

with my samurai sword

 

i woke in my world

of no expectation

drank a beer

dressed

and started walking

 

i hit one bar

but it was late

and closing soon

but i was buzzed

by last call

and walked out

indifferent as always

 

if you are still reading

you know this is

a philosophy for me

 

that there is nothing

in the heavens

but molecules and atoms

and even less then that

on earth

 

there is nothing to

give my life worth

just the moment i am in

and these are the moments

i enjoy

way past midnight

on cold quiet streets

(well as quiet

as l. a. can be)

 

drunk and still drinking

and not denying

that drunk is what i enjoy

and walking

in the late night hour

whether moonlight

or april showers

 

i am where no one

else wants to be

because of all they believe

for me

the darkness helps

hide the decay

 

so i’m on my way

to no where

and you know what?

i feel free

and

(wait for it)

happy

 

***

 

 

the dark streets of decay 15

i did nothing today

i will do nothing tonight

i’ve nothing to say

to make things right

 

what are concepts?

love, acceptance, free will?

they are not atoms

they do not appear

on the periodic chart of elements

 

one could say they do not exist

or at best they are perceptual

I DON’T FUCKING KNOW

 

in junior high school

they tested my IQ

i scored a 99

the counselor said

i was retarded

 

it was the best lesson

i ever learned in school

that those who pigeon hole

are brainwashed fools

 

so i walk these streets

without any belief

only knowledge

 

i learned the bible

then learned comparative religions

then philosophy

then science

 

and found that a heart

is never broken

if we just fucking masturbate

 

genetic traits

molecules

models of deep space

conviction that requires sacrifice

 

i would pay the price

if i were convinced

but, in truth,

i am so over it

 

leave me alone

let me roam

not all who wander

are lost

 

but free

to experience pleasure

without scales

with which we must weigh

every goddamn fucking thing

 

so i leave this bar

light a smoke

laugh at a joke

and stay away

from anyone

who does not believe in my

dark streets of decay

 

which essentially means

i stay away from everybody

 

***

dating profile

i prefer death to dying

i prefer lies to lying

i prefer touch to touching

i prefer smudge to smutching

 

i beg you to understand

but rather you would not

i prefer the poker that blinds us

be searing and white hot

 

i prefer pain to pleasure

empty holes to buried treasure

neither heaven or hell

but hope within one i will dwell

 

i prefer beer to sobriety

breasts to propriety

that is until i cum

then let not the parts equal the sum

 

and don’t ask me to be

anything but me

even though i hate everything that i am

and any attention always makes me say, “Yes Ma’am”

 

i prefer caffeine to sleep

never admitting i weep

or that i’m helpless in your arms

the potter, the clay, and all your charms

 

i want a woman who’s female

i have a high standard

if love’s in her email

i’m the pimp who will pander

the money making deals

your worshipping sect

if i can only feel

your hand on the back of my neck

 

(does this sound too needy?

start the video camera over)

 

***

 

all is unfolding according to plan

heads on pikes

line the path

the army has conquered

if god is in control

what does this say about god?

 

conquering army invades

rapes not only the women

but all the children

if god is in control

what does this say about god

 

this is not god?

but if i’m a fraud

why were his orders

to kill every hittite

man, woman and child?

 

so either the wealth of human suffering

is the will of god

or there is no god

or there is a god and he is misunderstood

could it be that god is not good?

 

forget the hollywood ending

everyone attains and is ascending

 

look at what has actually come to pass

we squabble over leaves of grass

while massacres are our legacy

and those who survive die of disease

 

and i am required to bow to a benevolent being

who covers me with sheltering arms

 

my words take up arms

against all that you believe

that god will deliver you and me

as long as i am part of the team

that believes what all evidence reputes

even though your scriptures will dispute

that your actions support your words

but the heretic will never be heard

 

when all that i dispose

is that if actions speak louder than words

then god must wear the emperor’s new clothes

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

oh god, another uppity woman 2

frances farmer

where are you now?

did you dare to self-avow?

give this country

even unintentionally

what it fears most

a woman with a brain

a woman with a will of her own

 

they put you in an asylum

because you would not be

what they perceived

a woman should be

 

marilyn monroe

so over-exposed

you tried to give them all they want

in the endless supply

that only women have to give

but in the end you could not live

with the male notion of what love is

 

so you self-empowered

in death you showered

by your own hand

finally free

from all that you were required

to be

which is anything but a woman

set free

from the oppression of society

wear a bikini while bringing me tea

and i’ll reward you with a slap

on the butt

 

but that was the fifties right

women today don’t share that plight

of frances farmer and miss monroe

 

we look in their eyes and value each word

nod our heads as if we heard

and in her insecurities when she breaks eye contact

we don’t look down her top

and quickly look back

so she doesn’t know what we truly value

and endure what is heard

because there is really something else

we want her to do with her mouth

 

but yet the word slut is thrown about

if she knows the score and what it’s about

gives what we want to get what she needs

surrenders the dream that females are free

 

to scream their songs into microphones

and not end up dead or worse all alone

because she had needs and thoughts and dreams

and thought she was a relevant human being

 

because the chosen few

no matter what the pew

are always male

does no one notice the 144,000

are virgin males?

untainted by a woman

and therefore worthy to be vessels of god

because a woman’s place is to smile and nod

and attain salvation with her silence

 

***

 

here i go again

anti-depressant memories

don’t exist for me

 

cold hard concrete

under soled feet

that’s what exists

 

this bar

for which i didn’t travel far

(at least i don’t think i did

not really sure where i am)

matters for the moment

to me

 

anyways what i mean to say

in this ocean of faces

that creates the sea

called los angeles

 

where everybody tries to matter

except me

though i don’t believe

anything matters

 

i still want to matter to her

though i’ve yet to find

who that “her” will be

 

the man on the stool next to me

is wearing a diamond cross

on a 14 karat gold necklace

and i think of ghandi’s words

“i like your christ

but i don’t like your christians

they are nothing like your christ”

 

but once again i digress

it doesn’t matter

even diamonds will know decay

 

and though i don’t bow

my head when they pray

i would still like to live

in a small town

come home after a hard day’s work

to a wife making supper

 

never having learned quantum mechanics

or heard john lennon’s “working class hero”

 

or wrote a novel that made me enough

money to finance my disreputable ways

on these dark streets of decay

 

***

 

 

 

did you know?

did you know max’s mom

uses lysol disinfectant spray

on the couch?

 

she believes there is a reason

that things are wrong

according to santa in the sky

 

so she buys into the things

they want her to buy

because there is an order to things

 

can you suspend belief for just a moment please?

 

if there is no god,

now stop,

really think about it,

 

isn’t everything we’ve been told a lie?

 

it just is

nothing will make it better

according to the divine plan

because…

do i really have to explain?

 

can’t you see

if he/she/it is not there for you and me

there is no order to things

 

things just are

planets rotate and revolve for no reason

lovers fall in and out of love regardless of the season

expectation is a disease

 

i will say it again

 

EXPECTATION IS A DISEASE…

 

***

 

 

recognition, pointing fingers and whispers

i hear the whispers

waiting for me to lose

again this is all misunderstood

i live as i choose

 

there is no awakening

no moment when you will join me

there is just what you think is

and just what i think not is

 

nothing more

you judge

wait for me to be proven wrong

i wait for nothing

 

what you see is what is

what is happening

is what is

nothing more

 

your irrational beliefs

cannot be proven

and i walk the streets alone

because no one else can live

without belief that this is

all for something else

than what actually is

 

***

 

 

 

lingering in the lies of lady macbeth

could a shakespearean actor

truly have portrayed lady macbeth

or did she not get her due

until women were allowed to

 

can you who wait for help from on high

truly grasp the depths of my sigh

when i, like satre, believe

we are alone

no help is coming

 

the day is just the day

no plan is underway

the future holds no promise

just another sunrise

and time measured

by the rotation of the earth

 

hope will never know birth

there are just my actions

and what i set out to do

 

and if i succeed or fail

my mindset is still an, “Oh well”

because my status after my last breath

will have rendered all proceedings

meaningless

 

i do not ask you to believe

like me

who would want to

 

i just say your assessment of me can’t be true

if you believe something will intervene for you

you can’t grasp how i unclasp

and why my tales of my late night adventures

aren’t meaningful

because i don’t believe anything has meaning

 

***