abandoned essay

(and that the sidewalks are empty while full of feet

- charles bukowski)

 

before i twisted the top off a bottle

i domesticated

did dishes

did laundry

scooped the cat box

recharged my phone

 

then read poetry by charles bukowski

was struck most by his poem

“starting fast”

which opened,

“we each at times should remember

the most elevated and lucky moment

of our lives”

 

i remembered a moment

i documented in my first volume of

the dark streets of decay

 

walking l.a.

passed an outside bar making last call

piano player playing her last song

“hello” by evanescence

and when she sang the line,

“don’t try to fix me i’m not broken”

i tilted my full flask

and drained its contents

before continuing on my way

down sidewalks l.a.

dark streets of decay

where lately all i want to say is,

“fuck you all”

 

i’m going to continue walking

because this is me

and if i clog your chakras

dim your aura

then depart from me

for i never knew you

 

i will continue to do

but now i am comfortable saying,

“fuck you”

 

this morning i started an essay

a desperate effort to convey

my philosophy

explain me

stop your vacant stares

and endless rejections

 

but i will no longer ask for permission

to be me

if you don’t like what you see

don’t try to fix me

i’m not broken

 

***