watching the world wake with the whirling dawn

(in the darkest hole

you’d be well advised

not to plan my funeral

before the body dies – cantrell)

 

couldn’t sleep

well, not for very long

 

flipped on the light in the kitchen

flipped through the first notebook i filled

late 70s, early 80s

read,

 

“i think i’ll blow my brains out in the early morning dawn

and fall on my face in fresh mown lawn

blood stained boots

blood stained roots

civic paranoia”

 

this is not a morning for memories

i make some coffee

grab my smokes

go out on the balcony

 

i’ve never figured anything out

always felt that when i knew what was true

i would know what to do

 

instead

i identify with individuals like

edgar allan poe

william s. burroughs

layne staley

james douglas morrison

 

i don’t want to be self-destructive

but i am

and i’m showcasing it on the world stage

 

dawn is dancing

my mind is making a mental note

of how much beer i have in the fridge

while saying i really should wait

till a decent hour to start drinking

 

but decency is a definition

culturally established

 

oh, here i go again

 

i am the roadblock

 

i am the one for whom

a dark and cloudy sky

over choppy seas

is a spiritual experience

 

i don’t suffer from depression

i channel it into an explanation

 

arrogant, egotistical

i lift weights not for health

but to look good

 

as soon as people start talking

i inwardly roll my eyes

and stop listening

and i will always take the opposite

side of the argument

just to show that if there are two sides

then there can never be one

 

but mostly i no longer believe

that planet earth is where

the god of the universe

decided to orchestrate

the fate of everything

that has ever existed

 

talk about an arrogant belief

 

i’m not going to have a beer this early

just going back to bed

(to sleep perchance to dream)

that i don’t need everything to make sense

in order to be happy and content

 

***