(at
my catholic baptism
just
a few months old
the
priest
who
was also a prophet
prayed,
“Lord,
why
did you make this one?
he
will not be good at anything
he
will never succeed
the
lives he touches he will ruin
he
will not commit one act of selflessness
and
he will die in direct defiance of you
while
he drowns in a cesspool of drugs
alcohol and cigarettes
and meaningless sexual encounters”
the
Lord answered,
“because
the world needs poets”)
today
on
the dark streets of decay
i
prayed,
“Lord
hasten
the end
decay
is like instant gratification
it
takes too damn long”
everything
i hear every day
from
all the fucking idiots
that
come my way
is
the need to demystify
the
stimuli
that
registers as pain
perhaps
understanding brings
forbearance
i
just numb the senses
that
receive the stimuli
alter
how they perceive
nothing
is decreed
it
just is
and
then it isn’t
and
that’s all it ever was
without
a because
the
fact is there are no facts
that
are matter of fact
there’s
just what you want
because
the way our brains function
cannot
perceive the received
without
attaching a purpose
reasons
for unhappiness
we
operate at a higher mammal need
the
bird i killed may fill
my
empty belly
but
i may also own a bird as a pet
to
help me forget
that
a one night stand
may
satiate animalistic sex
but
it will never cure loneliness
we
are born without an instruction manual
not
just an animal
these
creatures need to experience love
not
the mother hen protection
till
you can leave the nest
they
call it a soul
what
it is it will never know rest
until
we feel like more than a guest
on
their best behavior
to
assure we are the one
that
everyone wants to invite
acceptance
acceptance
based on repentance
doesn’t
satisfy
the
occupy of our concerns
because
we never learn
no
we
never strive to unlearn
their
unconditional love
that
must be earned
by
eating with the proper utensils
have
you ever loved someone for
who
they are and not for who
you
are trying to make them be
i
have
once
has
anyone ever loved you
for
whom you are
and
not for whom they are
trying
to make you be
not
me
or
is this just perceived by me
and
the reason i can’t believe in anything
is
i can’t believe in me
my
words make it sound
like
it’s you i hate
but
when i masturbate
i’m
having sex with someone i don’t love
because
that’s essentially it
i
am something that even
a
mother couldn’t love
trying
to function
as
a member of a species
that
have evolved beyond
every
need the body decrees
cause
every cut that bleeds
can
be healed by love
unless
you’re like me
whose
senses cannot receive
this
higher evolution thing
so
i philosophize
there’s
no such thing as love
cannot
ascend
only
pretend
we
are all just peeing in the wind
because
i cannot drown
memories
of dead mother’s accusations,
“you’re
just a worthless piece of shit
who
will never amount to anything
no
wonder no one loves you”
as
she beat me
no
matter how much substance abuse
i
obtuse
oh,
fuck this shit
gonna
smoke twenty cigarettes
down
several pints of anything
until
i can sing
the
chemical brothers’ song
it
doesn’t matter
(liver
laced with liquor and pot and whatever fucking else you got)
***
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