i thought only coroner’s could expose the heart

i rode the tide of suicide

          and crashed against the rocks

they found me lying on my side

          with piss down in my socks

i woke up in a hospital

          then put in a psych ward

i played their game and got released

          my god i was so bored

 

now i’m walking late night streets

          a flask of rum and coke

l.a. lingering in its heat

          i down another smoke

i own a california card

          but haven’t bought more weed

life is just a dying pod

          filled with infertile seeds

 

i meet a girl born in japan

          more lovely than the rest

we made sweet love within her car

          my sighs upon her breasts

the bar bouncer tapped her windshield

          and said that we should leave

she drove off to i know not where

          while all these streets i weave

 

i’ve past the point of no return

          i’m everyone’s lost cause

but as i held her in my arms

          it did cause me to pause

and know that i would live for such

          the one among the many

and texted true within my touch      

          some words unto my jenny

 

and asked if i could see her face

          under the bone white moon

she told me to come to her place

          and better make it soon

i see the look within her eyes

          as she opens the door

i look like death without disguise

          rob zombie villain gore

 

we never filed for divorce

          in fact she’s still my wife

my royalty checks i mail to her

          and keep her from my strife

instead of romance under moons

          on nights so crystal clear

jenny reaches out her hand

          and grabs me by my ear

 

and leads me to a cushioned chair

          like navigating maps

then fast as thoughts i find i’m brought

          our daughter to my lap

then in the kitchen jenny goes

          i guess i’m to be fed

i’m taking stock and i am shocked

          she hasn’t smashed my head

 

i’m so confused, where’s the refuse

          for christ sakes i’m john young

self-nihilate and self-abuse

          is all i’ve ever done

i hold my daughter in my arms

          and tears begin to flow

jenny’s arms engulf us both

          wait! wait! i’m suppose to sow

 

the wages of both sin and death

          because i am not me

the shit you smell upon my breath

          how can this fucking be

i cannot grasp, where is the asp

          to help me go astray

love who i am is all i ask

          without the need to flay

 

the skin that’s tough and weathered rough

          so i am edible

devour me just as you see

          is inconceivable

yet here i am a blemished lamb        

          worthy of sacrifice

to love me just the way i am

           i might just be enticed

 

***