last call

woke

head pounding

the bottle i had

been giving head

the night before

was still erect

waiting for another go

with my mouth

 

i drained it dry

rubbed my eyes

stumbled to the bathroom

threw up

aggravating my throbbing temples

 

decided i needed something simple

got a beer then spent five minutes

looking for my smokes

gave up

brushed my teeth

shoed my feet

walked to the smoke shop

 

lit up

walked to a restaurant

tacos and tecate

went to their bathroom

threw up

ordered a tequila

to wash the taste

out of my mouth

 

realized i hadn’t turned on my phone

woke it up

nothing from no one

i started deleting contacts

of anyone i hadn’t heard from

in months

stopped when my contacts

was empty

 

outside i lit up

screwed the top

off my flask

walked, felt weak

sat at a bus stop

bus pulled up

door opened

driver stared

i shook my head

he cursed me and left

i lit another cigarette

hands shaking

 

my parents drank, divorced, died

with my first drink

there was a prediction

of addiction

prophecy fulfilled

 

i put a bud in my ear

found my favorites on youtube

tapped eyes without a face

started walking

picked up my pace

 

drained my flask

threw up in some trash

scurried to an alley

and laid down

sally alley the sequel

one minus one equals

zero

 

*

 

an early morning trash truck

wakes me up

as it deals with the dumpster

 

the l.a. sidewalk

is sun baked

i pass bakeries and cakes

till i find a breakfast burrito

 

it stays in my stomach

i sit on a park bench

with a large coffee

light up

check my phone

still alone

 

find a valium in my pocket

chew, swallow

it mocks the coffee’s purpose

 

creep through the camouflage

of other people’s disinterest

buy a bag full of mini bottles

and start trying to find

my way home

until i make a clone

of every bottle

each identically empty

 

change my destination

by-pass the business

lunch crowd

by taking a seat at the bar

 

some wings and more whiskey

i light a match from one of the

restaurant’s matchbooks

blow it out

wished for love

looked around

none to be found

i order another round

while worried workers

walk out on weary legs

 

i imagine they are also

all wishing for love

 

the bartender politely

shakes his head

when i ask for another

i pay

make my way

 

hit a liquor store

walls are gray

buy a fifth

fill my flask

 

start walking

curse the heat

think

“i should go home

sleep

walk in the cool of night”

but suddenly i’m feeling alright

 

turn a crowded corner

come face to face

with a woman

look at her breasts

“asshole”

is her protest

i step aside

let her by

 

the commotion is chaotic

confusing

i see a homeless man

sitting

i join him

light us both a smoke

and open my flask

watch the world task

 

we don’t speak

both of us reek

a food truck pulls up

i buy us both dinner

in this world

money makes you a winner

 

but as the last rays

of the sun linger on

the layers of los angeles

it doesn’t matter

which avenue i choose

to walk down

i will still be lost

 

***