why pets beg to be fed

“you want to reach out

but fear rejection

so for protection

you envelope yourself in vogue

desperately hoping this will

grasp the love they told

would come if you just wear this”

 

that was from my early poems

i fancied myself a commentator

a progenitor of social consciousness

 

but i was the one desperate for acceptance

going home after every encounter

unsure, insecure

 

so i tried to be hard

nothing will hurt me

don’t mess with me man

 

but i failed miserably

at being a badass

 

i’m the kind that gets

cultivated by cults

desperate to be someone

you approve of

 

and yeah

alcohol numbs

lets me act dumb

shield myself with sayings,

“nothing matters”

“why should i care?”

 

but your glibness

and looks of scorn

leave me torn

and fetal

 

but i also couldn’t stomach

those who pretended

as long as i was convenient

i may be lenient

but i know the true

definition of love

 

“faith without works is dead”

“action speaks louder than words”

“the proof is in the pudding”

 

love is not intentions

it can’t be uttered

 

it is finding me in

my emotional gutter

and not giving me

your definitions of clean

in order to make me presentable

 

it is cleaning me up yourself

Hosea and his harlot wife

there is no strength

in your selfishness

as you expend all your energy

on yourself

 

if this is love

then why are you not here?

 

***

 

 

uninvited

i was at a corner table

obscured by overcrowding

everyone was shrouding the stage

 

a band played

the lead singer’s soothing voice

sounded scottish

venerated by pale skin and black hair

 

everyone was there for her

except me

 

the seldom seen waitress

had lined up three

as i didn’t know when she

would be back again

 

three beers and my flask of gin

and i was where i wanted to be

alone

 

old acquaintances on social media

had directly addressed my disbelief

 

i didn’t respond

but i thought it odd

 

that they talked to me

like a wayward child

and not as someone

who has painstakingly concluded

that there is no god

 

and i realized these people

i never see

have nothing in common with me

 

that this is where i’d rather be

outside the sphere

of their searing scrutiny

 

a thought came to mind

i pulled out my tiny notebook

and pen

nipped at my gin

 

and wrote the only question

i really need answered,

 

“if there is a creator

and this immense universe

is the work of his hand

 

evidence of a being with

unimaginable power

then why at this very hour

can’t he fix our lives

 

if he is so powerful

and we so powerless

why does he allow our lives

to be the sum of our choices

or the choices of others?

 

all your answers, reasons,

and rationale

make god seem so petty

 

the extract of our existence

is evidence that it is more

plausible that god

just doesn’t exist”

 

i hadn’t noticed the band

was taking a break

until a form took shape

and inhabited the empty chair

at my table

 

it was the lead singer

who seemed confused

and even less amused

by my indifference

to her performance

 

she picked up one of my beers

and began to drink

but in the awkward silence

i couldn’t think

of anything to say

 

my tab was already paid

so i left the bar for

the dark streets of decay

 

***

 

 

not all art hangs in a museum

pictures are portals of pain

memories in refrain

 

with her i’ve lain

till sheets were stained

 

i know it only is because it is perceived

but i perceive that she is gone

like every other person i’ve known

 

i’m the kind of person you leave

i guess

now me and adam are singing

“come back to me”

 

and i can never learn history

without wondering how lonely

was that person in that seaside village

 

the time period irrelevant

time cannot reinvent

we are all always looking for acceptance

in a universal mind that won’t let us

accept ourselves

 

and love hangs in the gallows

hoping for another breath

 

she walks by

momentarily looks in my eyes

and in that moment the film

runs from beginning to end

where she and i live happily ever after

 

but that’s why they give out oscars

for the best actress in a film

because none of it was real

 

and tonight the hollywood boulevard crowd

is my shroud

although every part of me screams aloud

philosophy, thoughts and reasons all be damned

won’t someone just love me

 

and amid the throng, noise

hustle and bustle

silence is all i hear

 

***

 

 

when you look to the sky birds shit in your eyes

i was seriously thinking of stopping

no late night l.a.

no more drink

maybe after some sobriety

have a doctor do a liver count

 

i heard of someone i know

peeing blood

it’s cancer

 

decent man

wife got bored

left him to raise

one year old, three year old, five year old

he did

 

now his grown kids

want nothing to do with him

he will face this cancer alone

 

and i am reminded that there is no one

dispensing justice, fairness, reward

 

there is no divine behind this loveless toil

we fill our days with

no reason, no resonance

no orchestration

 

it’s well after midnight

i’m drunk

again

and it is fucking cold

 

yeah i feel old

and worn out from the way that i live

but this universe has happened without a hand

 

we are alone

flayed to the bone

and no help is coming

molecules are not humming hymns

 

everything just is

and one day it will not be

***

 

 

beaches are ...

o.k.

i should be asleep

but tonight

a friend showed up asking about me

 

i saw her

took her in my arms

hugged

 

she was still as beautiful as she ever has been

 

we caught up

she seemed concerned

it touched me

 

then she onto hers

and i onto mine

 

but i couldn’t stop thinking about her beauty

the times we kissed

her perfect breasts

 

her number still in my phone

i almost texted her

that she is still the most beautiful woman

i have ever seen

touched, known

 

she would probably deny

but to each their own

if i created blueprints

for the most beautiful woman

she would be the finished construction

 

and this poem is a production

of memories and visits unexpected

warm clothing keeps me protected

against the late night chill

 

but can we ever reveal

the faces

soft under the finger that traces

memory never erases

that which made me believe

the stars were not just stars

 

***

 

are you still reading this shit?

i don’t feel like being a nihilist tonight

this bleach blonde beauty with bangs

is staring at me from across the bar

and i am ready to slay dragons

 

then the juke box plays

the sparrow and the nightingales

and the purveyors of nihilism laugh at me

as i remember my morals, my commitment

my love at home almost at the end

of her term of the pregnancy

 

i throw money on the bar

and flee

 

now it’s just me

and my cigarette

and the way los angeles smells at night

 

i never feel right

i put thoughts aside

what’s the point

i am who i am

and have no desire to be your definition

of what it is we are to be

in order to be happy

 

i put a plug in my ear

hit play

blutengel starts dancing in the light

 

and my lips make my flask feel light

then i watch this busy l.a. scene

complete the serene

of making me feel like i don’t matter

the few visible stars only add to that chatter

 

i scatter

a being becoming nothing but

an obliteration of atoms

 

i turn up the volume and try not to fathom

the depths of my decrepitness

and how this extended version

of the dark streets of decay

has become a broken record

 

seelennacht invades my ears

with gone with the rain

tonight i just can’t dance

forward to the next song

scum by santa hates you

 

i empty my flask

make it my task

to find the next open bar

hitting the forward button

till i find timekiller

by project pitchfork

 

*** (what’s reality compared to me?)

  

 

waiting for the eye of the storm

walking in the rain on hollywood boulevard

the downpour saturates my clothes and skin

but it does not wash the smell of cigarettes from me

the splash of water hitting my face does not sober me

 

i grab a slice of pizza

the owner came from new york

but has been here over 30 years

 

i eat

remove myself from his place

remove my flask from my pocket

continue walking

 

stop at a liquor store a few shops down

from the hollywood roosevelt hotel

another pint of whiskey

to refill my flask

the cashier is rude

 

and i’m on the sidewalk

opening the half pint

and drinking straight from the bottle

 

the rainfall changes in intensity

but i never change

 

the rain comes

the rain goes

the nights are warm

the nights are cold

 

but i’m always on concrete

under an indifferent moon

drunk and smoking

 

nothing to give

no reason to live

the immensity of our vast universe

and my place in it

keeps me from being culled

by your conversations

 

and when my time is done

the human race will still run

with the beliefs that made earth

the center of the universe

to say otherwise was a heresy

 

from all such centricities i’ve walked away

and learned how to light a cigarette in the rain

 

***

 

 

i would be the one to know the rain does not wash you clean

do you know how many rains i’ve walked in?

there were no white knights on steeds

the stinging rain cuts you till you bleed

 

i will not rescue you

you will not rescue me

 

longing does not manipulate

and make happen

 

the rain falls

i beseech

but remain drenched

 

alone

 

raindrops chase everyone away

conquer, secure

and laugh at me

 

because my wet clothes are all that hold me

 

and somewhere someone lied

whiskey does not keep you warm

and cigarettes are just an addiction

 

and german electronic music

still looks for meaning and hope

leaving me the last true existential nihilist

 

who is still so human

he attaches metaphors to molecules

made up of H2O

 

oh what do we know?

nothing

but our needs

 

hoping there is a creed

that will not make each cut so callous

 

i pull a can of beer from my jacket

open it

tilt my head to sip

and close my eyes against the violent rain

 

meaning is so insane

when black holes collide

and reside in a universe

millions of years after it has turned to dust

 

and i am just

someone

who has surrendered

my role as the pretender

 

just come and hold me in the pouring rain

take me home

embrace me under warm covers

where your whispers drown out

the sounds of the rain that HOWLS outside

 

***