Over
the past few weeks I’ve had some insight into myself. I’ve come to see just how
much I am filled with self-loathing and its influence on my behavior. I may not
be self-loathing with alcohol right now, but being sick while withdrawing from
Paxil and feeling sick while trying to adjust to Wellbutrin plays into my need
to punish myself. Also pushing myself to get into shape with obsessive
jump-roping that leaves me exhausted and incredibly sore is more motivated by self-loathing
than any positive intent. On the flip side of this is how others aren’t seeing
that (although I don’t really know why that is always so important). I had
learned long ago with my parents that it didn’t matter what was true it only
mattered what they believed was true to lessen the reasoning for their
justification for abuse and now I have turned that childhood lesson into a
world view of perceptual reality. To others it seems as if I am improving by
exercising, not drinking, seeing doctors, but I will purposely skip meals just
so I can punish myself with hours of hunger pains. Well, I do not believe
knowledge is power because existentialists do not have solutions to their
personal dilemmas; we can only go around quoting Marcus, “There is no rhyme or
reason to this life. Its days like these scattered amongst the rest.”
***
No comments:
Post a Comment