and after all this my cat came home

got invited to a party

i went

tried

tried being the operative word

to just have some beer

sit here

 

got approached

more encroached

by a couple of women

who had something to say

about something about me

when all they could really see

was how my shirt showed

my weight lifting muscles

and how it seemed to be affecting them

 

i played dumb

not really a stretch

 

then someone put on

dolores o’riordan’s

“are you listening?”

 

and i really want to be left alone

just let me sit here

listen

get drunk

 

drunker?

 

i’m such a wordsmith

 

this morning

i watched that early 90s movie

“candyman”

and realized i can’t really call

myself an atheist

until i can look in the mirror

say candyman five times

and turn out the lights

 

yeah

i have yet to do it

shit

it’s only midnight

 

and

wait

what the fuck is jenny doing here?!

 

she hasn’t seen me yet

and i’m willing to wager a bet

that if i sit real still

she won’t see me sitting

in the thicket of heartache and loneliness

 

i lose

 

she has found me

and won’t stop staring

someone is talking

a guy

captivated by her beauty

 

and i want to fly off this chair

and pound his face into ground hamburger

 

now she is walking toward me

(please don’t let me wet myself)

 

i can’t

i just can’t

 

i flee

grab two beers

find the darkest corner of the backyard

light a smoke

guzzle

 

and jenny finds me

because

you know

this is how she always found me

 

did i really think i could hide from her

in the dark

behind a beer?

 

she stands right in front of me

 

“hell no”

is all i can think to say

 

she notices my eye

still very swollen

from one of those eight guys

 

touches it

 

i barricade my lips

with a cigarette

stammer,

 

“aren’t we divorced?”

 

“i never filed the papers”

she informs

 

(o.k.

wait

 

WHAT?!)

 

“oh, like you’ve never made a mistake”

she scolds

 

i want to be cold

i want to be bold

 

i crumble like crackers

being crushed

and brushed into the alphabet soup

 

“besides”

she continues

“you aren’t seeing double

this size you see is not two of me

but me carrying your child”

 

“why would you want to carry

my child to full term?”

 

jenny slaps me so hard

i not only lose my cigarette and beer

but my footing

and land on my ass

 

sitting here like a piece of shattered glass

my wife towering over me

hands on her hips

 

till jenny finds her knees

and takes me in her arms

 

“goddamn you”

i whisper

 

“i know”

she says

and gently lays a kiss

on my forehead

 

whispers,

“take me home”

as dolores o’riordan sings,

“stay with me”

 

***