sound check

a friend of mine wanted to film me

on the dark streets of decay

some kind of documentary

 

i told him he was an idiot

 

the camera rolled in our one bedroom apartment

that me and jenny moved into on november first

but when i noticed the lens rarely left

my pregnant wife

i left for the streets

and he followed

 

people would look long enough

to see the camera

was on somebody who was nobody

 

everywhere i frolicked he followed

and i kept saying,

“shut that fucking thing off”

 

with my back against a building

flask in one hand

smoke in the other

he asked me to say something

 

“Like water spilled on the ground,

which cannot be recovered,

so we must die.

But that is not what God desires;

rather, he devises ways

so that a banished person

does not remain banished from him.

second samuel 14:14”

 

the camera came off his eye

“seriously dude

can’t you be cool

and give this a chance

to be interesting?”

 

i drained my flask

pulled on my cigarette

stared at that unblinking eye

and said,

 

“the only thing that has really mattered

wasn’t these dark streets

or the things i’ve written about them

or the things i’ve written about anything

but the women i have held

even the ones i held for just one night

or one moment”

 

the camera continued to roll

till finally i added

 

“that’s all i got man,

now can we please go

to a bar and have a drink?”

 

*

 

we found a bar

and the contents of my flask

had silenced any signs of sobriety

there was a girl on a tiny corner stage

surrounded by keyboards and synthesizer

playing original electronic music

that the sparse crowd ignored

but i loved it

and as soon as we entered

it moved me to head straight for the dance floor

 

lost in the music

and the moment

until i noticed that camera on me

and self-consciousness chased

my euphoria away  

like the santa ana winds blowing

on a hot august day

 

i flipped off the camera

and went to the bar and ordered

two shots and two drafts

“and whatever he wants”

i said as my friend joined me

 

my friend ordered a coke

and i almost decked him

i picked up a shot glass

he picked up the camera

and filmed me downing

both shots and both drafts

in less than a minute

 

then the girl in the corner

started playing a cover

of the smiths

how soon is now?

and i returned to the dance floor

 

i guess the rest you’ll have to wait

for the movie

 

i woke late afternoon

found a note from my friend

“thanks, got a lot of great footage”

the note was next to some document

i must have signed

giving my friend permission to use

all the scenes he shot

 

maybe if the documentary gets released

(though who the fuck would be interested)

we can go to the premiere together

and see what the hell ever must have happened

that night

 

***