the
break of day has come my way
the
sun’s spotlight exposes my performance
on
center stage
not
only do i have the dialogue memorized
i
wrote it
it’s
a story about a man who cannot stand himself
so
he seeks validation from others
“give
me permission to live” i recite
the
audience shakes their collective heads
and
whisper, “what a terrible actor”
i
convince everyone i’m a made up character
“i’m
really a badass motherfucker who doesn’t
give
a shit what anyone thinks”
i
analyze your blinks
think
“it
can’t be love, can it?”
i
expect violence, disdain
layers
of emotional pain
i
understand love by my
longing
to be loved
but
that is my limit
i
can’t believe i am someone
someone
could love
but
i can’t accept the liabilities
of
my limitations
i’ve
tried therapy
(change
me)
i’ve
been prescribed pills
(change
me)
help
me accept me
or
was it
help
me become something acceptable
twenty-five
years ago i wrote
“i
dance the tao of the swan
caught
in a fisherman’s net”
but
my valuation reserve
is
charged against the future
i
feel i deserve
and
flinch at the tenderness of your touch
me
and love are always going dutch
i
quickly discover your concerns and care
pretend
i share
because
i am that desperate for approval
yet
when i am thirsty
i
don’t feel i even deserve
stagnant
water in dirty gutters
it
is my place to change
the
semen stained sheets
that
someone else has soiled
with
their love
going
from room to room
smelling
the afterbirth of perfume
honoring
the do not disturb signs
i
am not yet needed or useful
wondering
amid my lust
who
has the greater level of disgust
you
for me
or
me for myself
and
how can we turn this
into
a relationship
chains
and whips?
or
just an acknowledgement
that
if i yield my clay to your rough hands
you
will try and mold me into a likeness
of
something you can actually stand
***
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